a weird sweet nightmare-ish dream??

Was it you who invaded my dreams?
Silently lurking in the corners of dread,
quietly whispering the words of silence,
suddenly flinging towards to open sea.

In the shade of the night,
a crow lands on my rooftop,
everything just suddenly stops,
as i listen the piercing howl of the wolf.

In the chamber i sleep covered in darkness,
you will i keep deep in consciousness,
amazingly curious am I towards the matters of endlessness,
to you silently i pray for unconscious happiness.

Weirdness,
what's the definition of it?
Is is about being different?
Or is it the jealousy of others originality?

Loneliness happens,
it just knows me by name,
even in a crowd,
would my voice be heard even if i shouted out loud?

Neglect is next,
just part of everybody's act,
making one feel tensed,
nothing ever makes sense.

Shattered self confidence,
careful not to leave any evidence,
testing one's patience,
as if the heart is made from titanium.

Applause shall be given,
bittersweet acknowledgment,
pause not any second,
end not any judgment.

Sweet Surrender... *chapter 2*

Sweet Surrender...

*Chapter 2*

Even before the incident, dad was already an alcoholic, he often came home drunk and whenever he had the free time (which was nearly always), he would sit in front of the television and drink some more. However back then, he never hurt us, in fact, even while being an alcoholic, he still kept good care of us and made sure we were living a healthy and comfy life. I remember, back then, dad always advised us, to never follow in on his footsteps, to never get involved with alcohol, 'The Devil's Trap' as he personally called it, and we listened. But undeniably, there were times where dad lost control, during these times, Dean was always there to protect me and mom, he was our barrier, our knight in shining armor. But being the idiot back then, even with the love i had for him, i still felt jealousy towards him. I always felt that he was more loved than me, I hated the fact that he was mom and dads' favorite son. It was that jealousy that caused it all, that sinful emotion had pulled away Dean's soul, that has caused him his eternal slumber. Never did i know about the guilt that I'd have to carry for the rest of my life, the incident that pulled all of us near our limits, the incident that have me punished for the sins I've committed.

It was a normal day, we went on with our usual routine before we went to school, i was only 13 years old then, Dean was 17 years old, and like i said earlier, although i loved him, i was jealous of him, i hated him for who he is. I have to admit, i was a stupid confused teenage kid back then. I was rebellious against him, I'd gone against every word and everything that he'd ever said or made me do, i never knew why, i just did. It just gives me an inner tinge that made me feel satisfied. It was the darker side of me that enjoyed observing Dean's pain. We were walking to school like every other 'normal' day. The only difference was the silence and that ever rapidly growing anger within me. I remember feeling hatred coming from an unknown force, an unexplainable hatred that was aimed towards Dean.

"Hey West, can i ask you a question?" Dean asked me, braking the silence between us.

"Yeah, what?" I asked in return, trying hard hide the disgust in my voice, i actually wanted to say no but knowing Dean, he would still ask the stupid question anyway.

"Did i do anything wrong? It seems as if you we're acting a bit, err, odd around me these few days," his voice sounded so concerned, it made me felt sick of hatred with a tinge of guilt within me.

"Neh, you didn't do anything wrong," which was true, i wasn't lying, i knew that deep down i was the guilty one. But jealousy was a strong emotion, an emotion so strong that it had been the cause of anger, war, murder, adultery... Sinful unforgivable acts done by men whose only sole purpose is to bestow suffering upon humanity. I couldn't prevent myself from it. I couldn't banish it. I simply wasn't strong enough. Dean seemed to notice, but he had chosen to keep quiet. We continued our way silently. Neither of us wanted to speak.

"Then, why the weird attitude?" he asked. Enraging the demon within me, challenging the rebel i was. I couldn't control myself, i always had lousy control over my emotions.

"Would you just shut up and leave me alone?!" the tone of my voice and my choice of words had startled him. This was a first for him. From the confused look on his face it was clear that he didn't know how to react, the guilt and a weird pleasure in me grew.

"You think you're so great and all but guess what you're not!! Stop showing your fake concern over me!! Stop acting! It just makes me feel sick!!" I knew i was the one lying, but i couldn't control myself. I wanted to hurt him more and more, I knew that my words hurt him, I knew that i was stabbing him in his heart over and over and then rubbing salt in it just to amplify his suffering. But i didn't care. The pleasure in me grew faster then my sanity and the guilt. Before i knew it i was using such a variety of my colorful vocabulary that a considerably large amount of people had gathered around us. Still shocked beyond words, Dean stood still. He didn't say anything in his defense, he just kept quiet. His face blank, confused filled with hurt and pain. Not giving him any chance to speak, i just turned and walked the remaining miles to school alone, simply pushing away people that was in my way.

Sweet Surrender... *chapter 1*

Sweet Surrender

*CHAPTER 1*

He held her hands as he slapped her with the back of his hand.

"Fucking BITCH!!" he shouted as she screamed and cried. This happens often, every time they set eyes onto each other. This made me feel guilty. At moments like this i often wished i was far, far away. It was moments like this that made me feel useless, the way they fought openly, the way i know that this must be stopped, but being unable to make a change. It has just made me hate myself even more for being such a coward, seeing my family being torn to shreds but being unable to save it. But here i sat, in the corner of my room, pretending to be absorbed in my reading, trying to convince myself that if i focus hard enough, i wouldn't notice the screaming and the shouting.

"What's your problem?!" I listened mom scream at the top of her lungs.
"What's MY problem?! I should be the one asking YOU that question, bitch!" dad's words spitted out like acid. I wondered how mom was able to cope with this everyday. With this thought, i actually felt safe, that i wasn't the one in her shoes. But still, being under the age of eighteen, I'm still considered a child, a mere fledgling, who was i to judge anyone, especially my mom?
It was only awhile that i realized that the screaming and the shouting had stopped, i couldn't hear dad's voice anymore. But i could still hear the sobbing from mom, i figured that dad must have went out to get drunk again. I went out of my room, sneaking and being careful to be quiet in case dad was still home. When i looked down from the second story of my house, i was able to see mom (alone, luckily) sobbing on her knees, her face red from all the crying and screaming. Her hair tangled and messy from all the pulling and beating. Silently, i walked down towards her, she didn't notice me, i stood behind her for awhile. I thought of the happy time we all had long before this when i was younger. Unconsciously, a tear flowed down my cheeks. Slowly, as if the Earth's gravity was to strong for me, i dropped down on my knees, feeling the need of support and the need to support, i put my hands around her just above her shoulders and hugged her. Before i knew it, I was sobbing with her. Without thinking, i said,
"Mom... I don't think I'm able to get through this anymore, it hurts me so much, the way we are now,"
"I know. Honey, be strong... For me, kay?" mom said in between tears.
"But.."
"Shh...Shh..." Mom silenced me while gently caressing my head and wiping my tears. Then suddenly, as if my lungs weren't carrying enough oxygen to support me, my face felt hot, then the incident that i have buried into the depths of my mind unearthed itself, swallowing myself whole. I remembered about the times where times were a lot better. Where we we're all happy, until that incident and it was my fault, i was to blame for everything....

I have an elder brother, Dean, and i love him dearly. He was my idol, my inspiration. He was the star of the family, everyone depended on him. I depended on him the most. And now i look at him, defenseless. Silently fighting his own battle, without me in the front lines with him. His consciousness locked away within his own body, surrounded by useless 'modern' machines, getting fed by tubes, defecating and relieving himself where he sleeps. He's no longer the Dean i know.


*chapter 2 coming soon!!~*

some random thought...

-WE THINK-
We protect to prevent harm,
we love to hide hate,
we share to prevent jealousy,
we speak to prevent misunderstandings...

But... Is it really how all this works??

-THE TRUTH-
We protect because of greed,
we love because we are selfish,
we share because we want attention,
we speak because we fear loneliness...

The truth may sound ugly,

dig deeper it's not as bad as it seems...

-WHY?-

We are greedy,

because we think no other can treat one better than us,

we are selfish,

because we want others to love us back,

we want attention,

because we want the care of others,

we fear loneliness,

because we are HUMAN.

In conclusion,

it's not wrong to protect and be greedy,

it's good to love and be selfish,

it's fine to share and crave attention,

but most of all,

it's normal to speak out and just be humans...

*love life!!~ peace out!!~*

All of her for you

just something i felt like typing after watching 10 promises to my dog. A touching story that indeed recommended to all... dog and cat lovers^^

-All of her for you-
She will only love you,
She will only listen to you,
She craves your attention,
'cause YOU are the only one she has.

patiently,
waiting for you to come home,
obediently,
always answering your call,
loyally,
staying there for you,
playfully,
active whenever you're there,
lovingly,
caring for your every need.
SHE is the best friend everyone needs.

However neglected,
her loyalty is still expected,
her love is always protected,
as it's all what she intended,
however harsh we acted,
being with us is something she never regretted.

To return her love is all you need,
to return her care and every need,
do the deed just as she did,
be with her until the day she die,
believe me,
she'll never lie...

stuff i've edited recently... (out of sheer boredom)

why are we killing ourselves?

Would you stay and see what will become of me?
see my soul vanish into the vast abyss,
see me drown into the sea of despair,
a young girl hiding,
desperate for air.

"Save me, please",
she cries,
useless,
until the day she dies,
not a person cares,
not a mind knows,
would she surrender?
not even she knows.

Her name,
unknown,
her feelings,
not shown,
her face,
well hidden,
her words,
not written,
herself,
RUBBISH


Her very existence,
compared to rubbish,
brutal people,
ignorant fools,
the true rubbish,
other than being destructive,
what have they accomplish?

STOP IT!!
Cant anyone see?
see what has become of us,
see what we've brought on us,
"so what?" you say,
"every one has to die someday",
"we cant save the world so lets just play",
True idiots I must say,
ruining everyone's day,
beings of mass destruction,
blaming everything else for their actions

Cant you anymore hear,
the voice of reason?
cant you anymore feel,
the flow of justice?
where's the MEANING to our existence?
whats the use of being alive?
burn, that's all we do,
drown, that's what we enjoy,
slaughter, suffocate, shoot,
WHY ARE WE KILLING OURSELVES??

this brings us to our end,
this brings us back to NOTHING.

A White Piece of Paper...

just a random thought about the uptight parents and also the people who don't really care about the children...

-a white piece of paper-
A child is like a piece of white paper,
pure, clean, empty and innocent,
it's up to us to paint the picture onto that piece of paper,
to paint it nicely for all to admire,
but somehow,
people end up overdoing it,
painting over and over,
filling every single available space,
adding the pressure,
until the paper finally rips,
a little at first,
slowly getting bigger,
slowly, slowly, slowly....
until it rips apart completely,
is it only then that people realize the damage they cause?

Children are innocent creatures,
unable to protect themselves,
unable to continue on living alone,
fragile dependent beings,
what makes you think they can take all your crap?

cut them some slack,
show them the meaning of love,
don't push them over the edge,
don't over paint the picture,
care for them,
you gave them life,
part of their blood is practically yours,
make saving their lives as your cause.

they're children,
don't let them cry,
save them from hunger,
show them the true meaning of love,
and teach them to love.

peeling onions?

This is a parody of the old song 'sad movies', made specially in memory of today and any other day that i had or have to peel onions.

-PEELING ONIONS-
peeelllling onionsss,
alwaysss make me cry~

momma wants to make sambal
so she ask me,
"eh-min-ah, can you peel some onions for me?"
and 'cause she's my mom i cannot just say no,
but in my mind i wish i could run n go.

while peeling i was surfing on youtube,
'cause i stink n i dun want to spoil my books,
while peeling the third onion i almost died,
'cause while watching nigahiga i started to cry.

oh, oh, owh,
peeelllling onionsss,
alwaysss make me cry~
oh, oh, owh,
peeelllling onionsss,
alwaysss make me cry~

after half-an-hour i was nearly done,
and then suddenly something came into my mind,
and so i logged on to my blog online,
and typed this stupid song that crossed my mind.

oh, oh, owh,
peeelllling onionsss,
alwaysss make me cry~

peeling onions,
make me cry~

a song bout CHEESE!!

lol... just feeling tired but hyper in d same time, so i wrote (no, not another boring poem...) a SONG!!~ bout CHEESE!!~ woohoo!!~ (nothing but normal random madness ere)

+ A song bout CHEESE +
just say,
say that you want,
say that you love,
cheese!!~^^

it's really good,
it's FULL of Cal-ci-um!!~

just say,
cheese is really good!!~
cheese just makes me hy~ per!!~
so please,
gimme cheese today!!~ XD

a crush...

How would it be,
if you were right beside me?
What would i do,
in the midst of confusion?
What can i say,
so you'll stay by me?

What do you think,
about me?
How do you feel,
when i say hello?
Is it just me,
or do I seem like a different person...
when I'm around you?

There's a particular feeling,
a queer feeling,
a sweet, warm feeling,
every time i see you smile,
the way you laugh,
it makes me rush,
i guess this is what they call,
a crush.

DON'T COMPARE!

Compare, compare, compare, compare...
Is that all you really know?
Scanning me all through my bones,
all you do is ruin my flow,
why can't you just leave me alone?

Does it make you feel proud,
pushing people to the ground?
Do you feel the thrill,
eating up confidence,
leaving no evidence?
slowly bringing me to the kill.

Would you like it,
if you were me instead?
With me comparing you,
all the way through,
taking you as the fool,
would you think it's cool?

She's prettier than me,
so what?
He's smarter than me,
as if I care!
All your efforts,
i just want to tear,
so DON'T COMPARE!!

Humans...

Humans...

Such amazing creatures we are,
only seeing the negative,
never the positive,
only seeing the mistakes,
never the reasons or chance,
only seeing the wrong,
but never bother about the right.

Millions of right doings and care,
ruined by one fall to death,
one mistake to lose everything,
does anyone really care about others' well being?

To find faults is all we know,
to keep it until the very last blow,
never caring of where'd they go,
since when have we sunk so low?

Selfish creatures we actually are,
Just ignorant fools of humanity,
why can't we see clearly,
of what we will be??

Straight After All (a short story^^)

This is a story that I've written some time ago^^ I've submitted it to the school mag... enjoy!!~ ^^

~Straight after all~

I could not believe my eyes, he took out a box out of his pocket, a box where a ring would fit just perfectly. Finally after five long years of waiting, my heart races as Justin (my boyfriend) slowly opens the box, revealing my wedding r…BRACELET?!?

Once again, I couldn’t believe my eyes, I rubbed it to make sure I wasn’t hallucinating. I wasn’t, it was, indeed, a bracelet, and all this while I was expecting a wedding ring, I guess I should just be more patient. Feeling shocked, I tried to hide my disappointment and said that bracelet (made of pure white gold and had three two-carat diamonds on it by-the-way) was beautiful, and it was, I just wasn’t expecting it.

Later that night, after I went home, still disappointed, I gave a call to Albert, my ‘bestest’ best friend in the universe. Let in describe him for you. He’s been my best friend ever since college, he’s a drop dead gorgeously handsome model who enjoys cross-dressing and most of all important of all, he’s gay (as in homosexual). Anyway continuing with the story, I went home and gave Albert a call. Told him about my night and managed to trick him into thinking that I gotten my wedding ring, the same way Justin did and like the ‘good’ friend he is, he teased and laughed his heart out and then we talked and gossiped until 2 in the morning.

A few days after the incident, Albert and I decided to go shopping together. I was stressed out from work and wanted to enjoy some time away from my boyfriend for once and Albert just happened to finish a photo shoot nearby. While walking around and debating with Albert about a dress that I think I should buy, my heart suddenly froze as I saw Justin out with another girl. I thought again and guessed that she may just be Justin’s friend or something, but Albert guessed otherwise, and so we had this ‘mini spy game’ (as Albert called it) and started spying around Justin without his knowledge. It was fun at first until I noticed that they seem so close to each other that they’re even holding hands. I pushed the thought out immediately and convinced myself otherwise as Albert and I might look the same way as them. Then, something happened that convinced me that Albert was right all along. Justin kissed her, not just a simple peck, but a really passionate kiss. The exact same one that he used to give me. I stood from where I was standing and unconsciously, tears ran down my cheeks.

After having a hard time trying to cheer me up with ice-cream, Albert drove me home and kept silent all the way. He knows I calm down faster in silence. Well… he knows me better than I know myself. When I reached home, I gathered up enough courage and then called Justin to have lunch with me the next day. During lunch that day, after keeping silent for nearly the whole meal, I forced myself to ask him about the other girl. He didn’t deny it, and my heart sank when he even admitted it openly, but the thing that tore me apart was the fact that he didn’t want to break up, he wanted us to continue the way we used to be. At that very moment after five long years, I finally realized what a total jerk he really was, the worst part is I couldn’t bring myself to break up with him, I couldn’t even bring myself to argue with him because in my heart, I know, I still loved him, and knowing this only made me hate myself even more.

For a few weeks I was not the person I was before. Instead of my cheerful self, I’ve turned into a zombie like creature. I couldn’t get enough sleep, I couldn’t even bring myself to eat, in fact it was as if my very existence have ceased to exist. Not only that, ever since the lunch we had together, Justin even call. Being heartbroken and depressed, I wished my life would just end.

Little did I know that this incident didn’t only affect me, it affected Albert as well. One day, I couldn’t remember when, I was in a amusement park with Albert, all this while he was trying to cheer me up. But all this while his efforts were all put to waste.

Finally couldn’t he take it anymore. After trying to cheer me up with roller coasters, ferris wheels and many other games, he just snapped. He drove me to Justin’s office and practically dragged me all the way. I guess his expression at that time was so scary and filled with anger that even the useless security guard was afraid to get into Albert’s way. When Albert arrived at Justin’s office, without any signal or word of any warning, he punched Justin’s face with all his might. Never had I seen this much fury in Albert, and finally, I understood the sadness that I have brought upon him, and I realized that I had to do something. I just couldn’t bear burdening my friend anymore. There was only one thing that could be done. Without saying a word, I walked up to Justin (whose nose is now bleeding), and said

“I’m done with all your nonsense, I’m breaking up with you,” then I just walked back to Albert’s car feeling numb all over, ignoring Justin’s pathetic apologies while squeezing Albert’s hand. I really needed his support and I know I got it.

Instead of asking Albert to take me home, I asked him to take me to some place I could walk, I didn’t want to be alone again. He took me to a park after a considerably long drive.

While sitting on a bench with Albert, I couldn’t stop myself from crying, I cried as if there were no tomorrow, then suddenly, I laughed, softly at first, then slowly getting louder and Albert joined in laughing with me after giving me a weird look for a long time. It felt good to be free again. He then gave me a hug, wiped the tears off my face with his finger, and then, out of the blue, he confessed. Shocked beyond words, I stayed silent for a few seconds, and then I said, while giggling

“Since when were you ‘straight’?” and laughed, and then, I noticed how serious he was. He was even putting on his ‘professional’ look (it’s the look he puts on when he’s working), then slowly but suddenly, he pulled me towards him and kissed me softly and gently on my lips.

“For awhile,” he looked at me nervously and continued

“I’m not kidding, so err… I guess I am straight after all,” and he smiled a rare shy and embarrassed smile at me, and I returned his smile.

I have finally retired ^^ T____T

A year hav passed,
"when will we 'bersara'?"
is all that's asked,
the answers have i now,
2day's d day we expire,
no longer muz we perspire,
pressure n stress will haunt me no longer,
for now a new page have been turned over.

miss i not the 'pelajar bijak-s',
miss i not my 'pengawas sayang-s',
but surely will i miss my 1 time experience,
which surely has boost up my confidence.

yes, i know my language is 'rojak',
no need to correct me,
i know i suck,
to all SMKSS prefects,
have i to say,
SELAMAT BERSARA!!
hope 2 work with u another day!! =) (NOT)