Weirdness,
what's the definition of it?
Is is about being different?
Or is it the jealousy of others originality?

Loneliness happens,
it just knows me by name,
even in a crowd,
would my voice be heard even if i shouted out loud?

Neglect is next,
just part of everybody's act,
making one feel tensed,
nothing ever makes sense.

Shattered self confidence,
careful not to leave any evidence,
testing one's patience,
as if the heart is made from titanium.

Applause shall be given,
bittersweet acknowledgment,
pause not any second,
end not any judgment.

Sweet Surrender... *chapter 2*

Sweet Surrender...

*Chapter 2*

Even before the incident, dad was already an alcoholic, he often came home drunk and whenever he had the free time (which was nearly always), he would sit in front of the television and drink some more. However back then, he never hurt us, in fact, even while being an alcoholic, he still kept good care of us and made sure we were living a healthy and comfy life. I remember, back then, dad always advised us, to never follow in on his footsteps, to never get involved with alcohol, 'The Devil's Trap' as he personally called it, and we listened. But undeniably, there were times where dad lost control, during these times, Dean was always there to protect me and mom, he was our barrier, our knight in shining armor. But being the idiot back then, even with the love i had for him, i still felt jealousy towards him. I always felt that he was more loved than me, I hated the fact that he was mom and dads' favorite son. It was that jealousy that caused it all, that sinful emotion had pulled away Dean's soul, that has caused him his eternal slumber. Never did i know about the guilt that I'd have to carry for the rest of my life, the incident that pulled all of us near our limits, the incident that have me punished for the sins I've committed.

It was a normal day, we went on with our usual routine before we went to school, i was only 13 years old then, Dean was 17 years old, and like i said earlier, although i loved him, i was jealous of him, i hated him for who he is. I have to admit, i was a stupid confused teenage kid back then. I was rebellious against him, I'd gone against every word and everything that he'd ever said or made me do, i never knew why, i just did. It just gives me an inner tinge that made me feel satisfied. It was the darker side of me that enjoyed observing Dean's pain. We were walking to school like every other 'normal' day. The only difference was the silence and that ever rapidly growing anger within me. I remember feeling hatred coming from an unknown force, an unexplainable hatred that was aimed towards Dean.

"Hey West, can i ask you a question?" Dean asked me, braking the silence between us.

"Yeah, what?" I asked in return, trying hard hide the disgust in my voice, i actually wanted to say no but knowing Dean, he would still ask the stupid question anyway.

"Did i do anything wrong? It seems as if you we're acting a bit, err, odd around me these few days," his voice sounded so concerned, it made me felt sick of hatred with a tinge of guilt within me.

"Neh, you didn't do anything wrong," which was true, i wasn't lying, i knew that deep down i was the guilty one. But jealousy was a strong emotion, an emotion so strong that it had been the cause of anger, war, murder, adultery... Sinful unforgivable acts done by men whose only sole purpose is to bestow suffering upon humanity. I couldn't prevent myself from it. I couldn't banish it. I simply wasn't strong enough. Dean seemed to notice, but he had chosen to keep quiet. We continued our way silently. Neither of us wanted to speak.

"Then, why the weird attitude?" he asked. Enraging the demon within me, challenging the rebel i was. I couldn't control myself, i always had lousy control over my emotions.

"Would you just shut up and leave me alone?!" the tone of my voice and my choice of words had startled him. This was a first for him. From the confused look on his face it was clear that he didn't know how to react, the guilt and a weird pleasure in me grew.

"You think you're so great and all but guess what you're not!! Stop showing your fake concern over me!! Stop acting! It just makes me feel sick!!" I knew i was the one lying, but i couldn't control myself. I wanted to hurt him more and more, I knew that my words hurt him, I knew that i was stabbing him in his heart over and over and then rubbing salt in it just to amplify his suffering. But i didn't care. The pleasure in me grew faster then my sanity and the guilt. Before i knew it i was using such a variety of my colorful vocabulary that a considerably large amount of people had gathered around us. Still shocked beyond words, Dean stood still. He didn't say anything in his defense, he just kept quiet. His face blank, confused filled with hurt and pain. Not giving him any chance to speak, i just turned and walked the remaining miles to school alone, simply pushing away people that was in my way.