*untitled 1*

Snowflakes on the tip of my nose,
hands in pockets away from the cold,
mysterious understandings left to the unknown,
confusing feelings that only i know.

just a little rag doll...

i know it's a bit lousy, my brain and thoughts was in a mess when i typed this. If you don't like it then TOO BAD!!~

just a little rag doll,
abandoned on the ground,
torn, soiled, broken and stained,
eternity would never know her name.

just a young angel,
soaring in the sky,
pure with thoughts that would never lie,
filled with thoughtfulness that would never die.

just a dirty rag doll the had angel picked up,
and mended her heart, her limbs, her soul,
and all her broken and soiled memories,
listened to her silent cries and invisible callings.

just a small fragile rag doll,
never up to par towards the angel,
yet treated as an equal,
and embraced with love.

just a torn rag doll,
shedding a tear,
blessed whenever the angel appears,
never seeing so clear.

both met by chance,
offering no second glance,
getting closer as fate does her dance,
never thinking of advancing in romance.

random thoughts on a rainy day...

Deep soulful words hidden in whispers,
within soft wet tears of the sky,
hanging at the edge of a kittens whiskers,
just to drop and die.

Melodious symphonies admired with blood red roses,
secret letters mailed with lovely purple violets,
with honey and green four-leafed clovers,
and intentions as pure as white lilies.

desperately in need of air,
longingly in need of care,
outstandingly in need of emotions,
hoping not for the need of solutions.

only one, or maybe none at all...

I look up to see,
two black butterflies right above me,
depressing as though it may seem,
i can't help but compare or -- so it seems.

Each symbolizing different persona's,
each with a different agenda,
evenly matched with an equal amount of love,
though by different soulful colors.

One like a brother,
only calmer,
at times childish but yet always caring,
patient and fun-loving,
at times wise in thinking,
however,
just much loved like family.

Another crushed,
all by shy memories,
filled by awkwardness,
overwhelmed with feelings like the taste of chocolate-
that is poured over a blood diamond,
covered by mysteries of affection-
buried deep within both's hearts.

both black butterflies flying in a confusing pattern,
flying higher and higher until seen no longer,
will anyone return long after?
Or will both perish-
irritated by one's selfish desires?

a weird sweet nightmare-ish dream??

Was it you who invaded my dreams?
Silently lurking in the corners of dread,
quietly whispering the words of silence,
suddenly flinging towards to open sea.

In the shade of the night,
a crow lands on my rooftop,
everything just suddenly stops,
as i listen the piercing howl of the wolf.

In the chamber i sleep covered in darkness,
you will i keep deep in consciousness,
amazingly curious am I towards the matters of endlessness,
to you silently i pray for unconscious happiness.

Weirdness,
what's the definition of it?
Is is about being different?
Or is it the jealousy of others originality?

Loneliness happens,
it just knows me by name,
even in a crowd,
would my voice be heard even if i shouted out loud?

Neglect is next,
just part of everybody's act,
making one feel tensed,
nothing ever makes sense.

Shattered self confidence,
careful not to leave any evidence,
testing one's patience,
as if the heart is made from titanium.

Applause shall be given,
bittersweet acknowledgment,
pause not any second,
end not any judgment.

Sweet Surrender... *chapter 2*

Sweet Surrender...

*Chapter 2*

Even before the incident, dad was already an alcoholic, he often came home drunk and whenever he had the free time (which was nearly always), he would sit in front of the television and drink some more. However back then, he never hurt us, in fact, even while being an alcoholic, he still kept good care of us and made sure we were living a healthy and comfy life. I remember, back then, dad always advised us, to never follow in on his footsteps, to never get involved with alcohol, 'The Devil's Trap' as he personally called it, and we listened. But undeniably, there were times where dad lost control, during these times, Dean was always there to protect me and mom, he was our barrier, our knight in shining armor. But being the idiot back then, even with the love i had for him, i still felt jealousy towards him. I always felt that he was more loved than me, I hated the fact that he was mom and dads' favorite son. It was that jealousy that caused it all, that sinful emotion had pulled away Dean's soul, that has caused him his eternal slumber. Never did i know about the guilt that I'd have to carry for the rest of my life, the incident that pulled all of us near our limits, the incident that have me punished for the sins I've committed.

It was a normal day, we went on with our usual routine before we went to school, i was only 13 years old then, Dean was 17 years old, and like i said earlier, although i loved him, i was jealous of him, i hated him for who he is. I have to admit, i was a stupid confused teenage kid back then. I was rebellious against him, I'd gone against every word and everything that he'd ever said or made me do, i never knew why, i just did. It just gives me an inner tinge that made me feel satisfied. It was the darker side of me that enjoyed observing Dean's pain. We were walking to school like every other 'normal' day. The only difference was the silence and that ever rapidly growing anger within me. I remember feeling hatred coming from an unknown force, an unexplainable hatred that was aimed towards Dean.

"Hey West, can i ask you a question?" Dean asked me, braking the silence between us.

"Yeah, what?" I asked in return, trying hard hide the disgust in my voice, i actually wanted to say no but knowing Dean, he would still ask the stupid question anyway.

"Did i do anything wrong? It seems as if you we're acting a bit, err, odd around me these few days," his voice sounded so concerned, it made me felt sick of hatred with a tinge of guilt within me.

"Neh, you didn't do anything wrong," which was true, i wasn't lying, i knew that deep down i was the guilty one. But jealousy was a strong emotion, an emotion so strong that it had been the cause of anger, war, murder, adultery... Sinful unforgivable acts done by men whose only sole purpose is to bestow suffering upon humanity. I couldn't prevent myself from it. I couldn't banish it. I simply wasn't strong enough. Dean seemed to notice, but he had chosen to keep quiet. We continued our way silently. Neither of us wanted to speak.

"Then, why the weird attitude?" he asked. Enraging the demon within me, challenging the rebel i was. I couldn't control myself, i always had lousy control over my emotions.

"Would you just shut up and leave me alone?!" the tone of my voice and my choice of words had startled him. This was a first for him. From the confused look on his face it was clear that he didn't know how to react, the guilt and a weird pleasure in me grew.

"You think you're so great and all but guess what you're not!! Stop showing your fake concern over me!! Stop acting! It just makes me feel sick!!" I knew i was the one lying, but i couldn't control myself. I wanted to hurt him more and more, I knew that my words hurt him, I knew that i was stabbing him in his heart over and over and then rubbing salt in it just to amplify his suffering. But i didn't care. The pleasure in me grew faster then my sanity and the guilt. Before i knew it i was using such a variety of my colorful vocabulary that a considerably large amount of people had gathered around us. Still shocked beyond words, Dean stood still. He didn't say anything in his defense, he just kept quiet. His face blank, confused filled with hurt and pain. Not giving him any chance to speak, i just turned and walked the remaining miles to school alone, simply pushing away people that was in my way.