only one, or maybe none at all...

I look up to see,
two black butterflies right above me,
depressing as though it may seem,
i can't help but compare or -- so it seems.

Each symbolizing different persona's,
each with a different agenda,
evenly matched with an equal amount of love,
though by different soulful colors.

One like a brother,
only calmer,
at times childish but yet always caring,
patient and fun-loving,
at times wise in thinking,
however,
just much loved like family.

Another crushed,
all by shy memories,
filled by awkwardness,
overwhelmed with feelings like the taste of chocolate-
that is poured over a blood diamond,
covered by mysteries of affection-
buried deep within both's hearts.

both black butterflies flying in a confusing pattern,
flying higher and higher until seen no longer,
will anyone return long after?
Or will both perish-
irritated by one's selfish desires?

a weird sweet nightmare-ish dream??

Was it you who invaded my dreams?
Silently lurking in the corners of dread,
quietly whispering the words of silence,
suddenly flinging towards to open sea.

In the shade of the night,
a crow lands on my rooftop,
everything just suddenly stops,
as i listen the piercing howl of the wolf.

In the chamber i sleep covered in darkness,
you will i keep deep in consciousness,
amazingly curious am I towards the matters of endlessness,
to you silently i pray for unconscious happiness.

Weirdness,
what's the definition of it?
Is is about being different?
Or is it the jealousy of others originality?

Loneliness happens,
it just knows me by name,
even in a crowd,
would my voice be heard even if i shouted out loud?

Neglect is next,
just part of everybody's act,
making one feel tensed,
nothing ever makes sense.

Shattered self confidence,
careful not to leave any evidence,
testing one's patience,
as if the heart is made from titanium.

Applause shall be given,
bittersweet acknowledgment,
pause not any second,
end not any judgment.

Sweet Surrender... *chapter 2*

Sweet Surrender...

*Chapter 2*

Even before the incident, dad was already an alcoholic, he often came home drunk and whenever he had the free time (which was nearly always), he would sit in front of the television and drink some more. However back then, he never hurt us, in fact, even while being an alcoholic, he still kept good care of us and made sure we were living a healthy and comfy life. I remember, back then, dad always advised us, to never follow in on his footsteps, to never get involved with alcohol, 'The Devil's Trap' as he personally called it, and we listened. But undeniably, there were times where dad lost control, during these times, Dean was always there to protect me and mom, he was our barrier, our knight in shining armor. But being the idiot back then, even with the love i had for him, i still felt jealousy towards him. I always felt that he was more loved than me, I hated the fact that he was mom and dads' favorite son. It was that jealousy that caused it all, that sinful emotion had pulled away Dean's soul, that has caused him his eternal slumber. Never did i know about the guilt that I'd have to carry for the rest of my life, the incident that pulled all of us near our limits, the incident that have me punished for the sins I've committed.

It was a normal day, we went on with our usual routine before we went to school, i was only 13 years old then, Dean was 17 years old, and like i said earlier, although i loved him, i was jealous of him, i hated him for who he is. I have to admit, i was a stupid confused teenage kid back then. I was rebellious against him, I'd gone against every word and everything that he'd ever said or made me do, i never knew why, i just did. It just gives me an inner tinge that made me feel satisfied. It was the darker side of me that enjoyed observing Dean's pain. We were walking to school like every other 'normal' day. The only difference was the silence and that ever rapidly growing anger within me. I remember feeling hatred coming from an unknown force, an unexplainable hatred that was aimed towards Dean.

"Hey West, can i ask you a question?" Dean asked me, braking the silence between us.

"Yeah, what?" I asked in return, trying hard hide the disgust in my voice, i actually wanted to say no but knowing Dean, he would still ask the stupid question anyway.

"Did i do anything wrong? It seems as if you we're acting a bit, err, odd around me these few days," his voice sounded so concerned, it made me felt sick of hatred with a tinge of guilt within me.

"Neh, you didn't do anything wrong," which was true, i wasn't lying, i knew that deep down i was the guilty one. But jealousy was a strong emotion, an emotion so strong that it had been the cause of anger, war, murder, adultery... Sinful unforgivable acts done by men whose only sole purpose is to bestow suffering upon humanity. I couldn't prevent myself from it. I couldn't banish it. I simply wasn't strong enough. Dean seemed to notice, but he had chosen to keep quiet. We continued our way silently. Neither of us wanted to speak.

"Then, why the weird attitude?" he asked. Enraging the demon within me, challenging the rebel i was. I couldn't control myself, i always had lousy control over my emotions.

"Would you just shut up and leave me alone?!" the tone of my voice and my choice of words had startled him. This was a first for him. From the confused look on his face it was clear that he didn't know how to react, the guilt and a weird pleasure in me grew.

"You think you're so great and all but guess what you're not!! Stop showing your fake concern over me!! Stop acting! It just makes me feel sick!!" I knew i was the one lying, but i couldn't control myself. I wanted to hurt him more and more, I knew that my words hurt him, I knew that i was stabbing him in his heart over and over and then rubbing salt in it just to amplify his suffering. But i didn't care. The pleasure in me grew faster then my sanity and the guilt. Before i knew it i was using such a variety of my colorful vocabulary that a considerably large amount of people had gathered around us. Still shocked beyond words, Dean stood still. He didn't say anything in his defense, he just kept quiet. His face blank, confused filled with hurt and pain. Not giving him any chance to speak, i just turned and walked the remaining miles to school alone, simply pushing away people that was in my way.

Sweet Surrender... *chapter 1*

Sweet Surrender

*CHAPTER 1*

He held her hands as he slapped her with the back of his hand.

"Fucking BITCH!!" he shouted as she screamed and cried. This happens often, every time they set eyes onto each other. This made me feel guilty. At moments like this i often wished i was far, far away. It was moments like this that made me feel useless, the way they fought openly, the way i know that this must be stopped, but being unable to make a change. It has just made me hate myself even more for being such a coward, seeing my family being torn to shreds but being unable to save it. But here i sat, in the corner of my room, pretending to be absorbed in my reading, trying to convince myself that if i focus hard enough, i wouldn't notice the screaming and the shouting.

"What's your problem?!" I listened mom scream at the top of her lungs.
"What's MY problem?! I should be the one asking YOU that question, bitch!" dad's words spitted out like acid. I wondered how mom was able to cope with this everyday. With this thought, i actually felt safe, that i wasn't the one in her shoes. But still, being under the age of eighteen, I'm still considered a child, a mere fledgling, who was i to judge anyone, especially my mom?
It was only awhile that i realized that the screaming and the shouting had stopped, i couldn't hear dad's voice anymore. But i could still hear the sobbing from mom, i figured that dad must have went out to get drunk again. I went out of my room, sneaking and being careful to be quiet in case dad was still home. When i looked down from the second story of my house, i was able to see mom (alone, luckily) sobbing on her knees, her face red from all the crying and screaming. Her hair tangled and messy from all the pulling and beating. Silently, i walked down towards her, she didn't notice me, i stood behind her for awhile. I thought of the happy time we all had long before this when i was younger. Unconsciously, a tear flowed down my cheeks. Slowly, as if the Earth's gravity was to strong for me, i dropped down on my knees, feeling the need of support and the need to support, i put my hands around her just above her shoulders and hugged her. Before i knew it, I was sobbing with her. Without thinking, i said,
"Mom... I don't think I'm able to get through this anymore, it hurts me so much, the way we are now,"
"I know. Honey, be strong... For me, kay?" mom said in between tears.
"But.."
"Shh...Shh..." Mom silenced me while gently caressing my head and wiping my tears. Then suddenly, as if my lungs weren't carrying enough oxygen to support me, my face felt hot, then the incident that i have buried into the depths of my mind unearthed itself, swallowing myself whole. I remembered about the times where times were a lot better. Where we we're all happy, until that incident and it was my fault, i was to blame for everything....

I have an elder brother, Dean, and i love him dearly. He was my idol, my inspiration. He was the star of the family, everyone depended on him. I depended on him the most. And now i look at him, defenseless. Silently fighting his own battle, without me in the front lines with him. His consciousness locked away within his own body, surrounded by useless 'modern' machines, getting fed by tubes, defecating and relieving himself where he sleeps. He's no longer the Dean i know.


*chapter 2 coming soon!!~*

some random thought...

-WE THINK-
We protect to prevent harm,
we love to hide hate,
we share to prevent jealousy,
we speak to prevent misunderstandings...

But... Is it really how all this works??

-THE TRUTH-
We protect because of greed,
we love because we are selfish,
we share because we want attention,
we speak because we fear loneliness...

The truth may sound ugly,

dig deeper it's not as bad as it seems...

-WHY?-

We are greedy,

because we think no other can treat one better than us,

we are selfish,

because we want others to love us back,

we want attention,

because we want the care of others,

we fear loneliness,

because we are HUMAN.

In conclusion,

it's not wrong to protect and be greedy,

it's good to love and be selfish,

it's fine to share and crave attention,

but most of all,

it's normal to speak out and just be humans...

*love life!!~ peace out!!~*

All of her for you

just something i felt like typing after watching 10 promises to my dog. A touching story that indeed recommended to all... dog and cat lovers^^

-All of her for you-
She will only love you,
She will only listen to you,
She craves your attention,
'cause YOU are the only one she has.

patiently,
waiting for you to come home,
obediently,
always answering your call,
loyally,
staying there for you,
playfully,
active whenever you're there,
lovingly,
caring for your every need.
SHE is the best friend everyone needs.

However neglected,
her loyalty is still expected,
her love is always protected,
as it's all what she intended,
however harsh we acted,
being with us is something she never regretted.

To return her love is all you need,
to return her care and every need,
do the deed just as she did,
be with her until the day she die,
believe me,
she'll never lie...